Fitbit Raises Serious Questions About My Whereabouts Last Night

This is what digitized heroic activity looks like.

Fitbit never lies, but I do sometimes, to get closer to the truth.

Now That I Ride a Bike to Work

Crap. How did I suddenly become that guy I hate?

I morph into everything wrong with Silicon Valley and the world. It’s actually kind of pleasant.

Things I Heard in Ohio, Explained

My old man prepares us for a space-age financial transaction.

My parents don’t use the Internet, so it’s OK to make fun of them here.

Does Anyone Have a Banana?

I ran 26.2 miles. My fat-ass husband ate french toast and typed a stupid sign on his iPad.

I had a few thoughts while I was running a marathon the other day. I probably shouldn’t put them on the Internet.

Untitled, New York

I probably knew more then than I do now.

A short explanation of the lack of explainability of things.

Things I’ve Been Doing the Past Two Months

It feels so good to be more successful than Matt Rhodes! I wonder what that guy's been doing the past two months...

I fill you in about what I’ve been up to because you’ve been so worried about me not blogging so much.

Bad With Names? Read This

I can't see your face. All I see is mine, everywhere I go. The world's better that way.

Tips to thinly veil your lack of empathy and terrible listening skills.

Hello, My Meditating Friends!

Time to meditate. Hair and makeup--get over here!!

Thank you, Oprah, for invading my inner peace with faux messages of commercialized inner peace.

A Regular Guy Looks at 40

This is how I'll always remember you, Donnie Baseball.

On the cusp of the big four-oh, I try to remember what it was like to care. Sigh.

A Strange Confluence of Concrete and Water

We can do all this, but we can't create a simpler, more efficient market for healthcare?

A random memory buttresses a short opinion piece about Obamacare, sort of.

Being Ted Cruz

"OK, now make your face perfectly representative of a smug political blowhard. Wow. You're good."

A quick post about Ted Cruz before he’s officially enshrined in the pantheon of Public Figures Who Are Too Easy to Ridicule and Therefore Should Just Be Ignored.

A Poem? Yes, A Poem

2012-12-13 15.39.16

Sometimes blog posts should be poems. Not often, but sometimes.

Brief Description of a Seminal Childhood Event

pepsi guy

At some point in 1984, a year of great significance to Orwellians and Van Halen fans, I saw the video for Suicidal Tendencies’ “Institutionalized.” It changed my life. Before that video blasted out of the cathode rays of our boxy Zenith, I loved my parents. After Mike Muir’s growling sermon, I understood for the first […]

Everyone Is Shocked That Andrew Ross Sorkin Is Shocked That Wall Street Is Greedy

Stare into my dreamy liberal eyes and you too could resent yet make a living off Wall Street.

Andrew Ross Sorkin says something, presumably about Wall Street being evil. Yawn.

Pandora Follows Misfits and Bad Brains with Johnny Cash Covering Bob Dylan

Huh?

Pandora lumps Johnny Cash into the same bucket as punk pioneers. Delicious accident? Methinks…I don’t know.

A Reluctant Critic

Hey! We're a very good band but we're getting more polished as we age. Please accept this.

A supposed review of The National’s new album, thinly veiling my frustration with my lack of a writing career.

Obama Reads My Blog!

ice t

Why all the fuss? My mama is so proud that the President is my biggest fan!

Alzheimer’s Humor

Me and my lady prepare to eat ice cream.

“Everything looks bad if you remember it.”–Homer Simpson

The Summer of 1998

Oh yeah! I will inspire young kids by treating this woman like the trash she is! Oh yeah!

I finally process David Foster Wallace’s suicide, thanks to Tiger Woods and Kobe Bryant.

Eric Holder Responds to Kamala Harris’s Hotness

My brash 'stache and beady eyes work every time, Kamala. Every time.

Eric Holder clarifies: I’m the hottest.

Applaud My Healthy Lunch

Leave me alone, you vile delicious seasonal treat.

I’m eating healthy and working out, with furious anger. Must. Not. Eat. Reese’s. Easter eggs. But they’re on sale now!

Marissa Mayer Uses Her Own Face to Upgrade Yahoo!

"To the quarterback who wouldn't date me in high school, I'm on the Yahoo! home page, and I'm CEO, bee-otch."

More than just a pretty face, but still a pretty face.

The Dreadful Plight of the Upper-Middle Class (Ironic Headline)

Our pals in Britain know how to drop tax-related insults.

Speaking up for the poor saps in the UMC. Sort of. With nested puns.

Pivoting to Leverage Jargon in the New Year

I am a fake shark who will eat your fake words, you fakey faker.

Exhibiting lily-pad-leaping logic to navigate the corporate waters with innovative pivoting.

Lessons from Ikuru

We will pretend that this is important, but it's not important.

Pesky ground squirrels collide with classic Japanese cinema to further exemplify my short attention span.

On 1K Status

My hair will be omnipresent. You will dream in Smisek, forever wondering how a douche like me became CEO of United. I'm right behind you.

Nothing makes me feel more at home than another inane, self-indulgent, three-minute Jeff Smisek video.

The Trembling Melody of Our Phoniness

You can't out-smug me, Rhodes. Try it. Dare ya, phony guy.

If J.D. Salinger finds out I put his picture on Facebook, he’s going to be very angry.

Would You Eat the Deficit-Cutting Burrito at Mittpotle?

Welcome to Mittpotle! I'm wearing jeans while shaking hands with a black man in a Mexican restaurant in a swing state. White House, here I come!

A random array of thoughts about taxes and class warfare tossed together to capitalize on the traffic inspired by a much-ballyhooed Presidential debate.

Complaint Regarding “Decorative” Pottery Barn Globe

Alluringly beautiful. Jaw-droppingly inaccurate. Still better than Apple Maps.

Navigate our fine earth with a decorative globe! It’s better than using Apple Maps! Zing!

The Biological Fathers of Steve Jobs and Boo the Dog Commiserate

I will always feel for you, but I will never forgive you.

Two fathers who let charismatic spawn escape their grasp drunkenly ponder what could have been.

A Practical Guide to Meditating Poorly

meditation cartoon

Don’t have thoughts about bad thoughts about hating yourself because you have bad thoughts while meditating.

It’s a Higgs Boson Party, Y’All

What, you can't see me? I'm in there! I'm a boson, yo!

I am Gerald. You call me Higgs Boson. Let me help you understand your universe.

Unsafe at Any Address

Finally, a meter maid wins a popularity contest.

Just another drop in the bucket of anti-Comcast Internet-based ranting rhetoric. The company is inspirational, truly.

How Do We Know?

I get supernova nucleosynthesis, but how does the product thereof get so darn shiny?

I’m confused about how we know stuff, and how Wikipedia is destroying our minds.

The Great Romney/Kerry Stilt-Off

"If I leave the 'burns grey, I'm more credible, right?"

May the most stilted faux-everyman wealthy politician win!

Count Chocula: Not a Count?

Maybe I ain't no Count, but I ain't no doorknob either.

Cereal-shilling vampires padding resumes…corporate chicanery knows no bounds.

High Noon at the Ice Cream Parlor

You think I'm scared of two of your baby scoops? I ate three of these.

I prove to a teenage ice cream scooper that I can eat a lot of ice cream, which makes me feel like a big man.

Words With Friends Is Destroying My Relationship

Honey, I'm listening to you, I swear...noooooooooooooooooo!!!

I don’t understand why I can’t play QUINCE while she continues to BABBLE.

Lana Del Rey Interviews Rick Santorum

Open up a beer?? It's only 2 pm! And I don't play video games. Too sexy!

A pretty singer famous for not being talented interviews that poor loser kid that the other kids are setting up for failure, like in “Carrie.”

Just Post This to #Whitewhine

Old Lady iPad

How my time-saving devices eat up all my time.

When I Run for President…

This is me in a suit. This is what I will look like when I run for President, possibly with less hair.

Pointing out other people’s shortcomings is a shortcoming. My mom taught me that.

To Blog, or Not to Blog: The Question No One Cares About

shakespeare cartoon

On the ontology of blogging and obnoxious pseudo-philosophical references.

Obligatory Year-End Greatest Hits Compendium

That's not a typo. It says "Hits!", and it's plural. Deceptive advertising lawsuit to follow.

Man I hate these things. Please read The Smatter’s, though. It’s special.

End-of-Year Brain-Flush Column

Oh, 2012 will be much worse! Much worse! Haha! Fools!

Cleaning out 2011′s notes and errata, and wishing everyone a more productive and ha-ha-funny 2012.

The Oppressiveness of To-Do Lists

Applaud my highly derivative humor.

Note to self: Make more to-do lists, and write more blogs about the creative process around said lists.

My Dearest San Francisco…

I love you from afar, where I can't smell you.

I still love you, San Francisco. Just take a bath or brush your mangy hair or something. Anything.

The Rarely Overtly Hostile Harry Reid

Let me make this patently clear: I am overtly hostile!! Look at my finger, Mr. McConnell!

Really, CNN? Harry Reid is always overtly hostile.

Does Bartleby Know Best?

Stormtrooping has gone the way of phonograph assembly and VHS tape rewinding.

Is it possible to enjoy unemployment?

The Problem with Passion

"I'm so passionate about beating hippies! There's one! I must beat him! I have a job! I love my job!"

Why care about anything? People just get hurt.

Contracts, Tahiti, and You

IMG_2955

Let’s Occupy Tahiti. Why not?

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