Mike Damone’s Five-Point Plan to Fix Health Care

Isn't this great?

1. Never let on how much you like a girl

Let’s say you have your sights set on a girl, and her name is Universal Health Care. You’ve seen her jetsetting in Europe, Canada, and Japan, an exotic yet seemingly accessible lass. She’s slipped through your hands on several occasions over the past century. The WORST thing you can do is let on how much you like her. Once your enemies know you’re into her, they’ll make it their mission in life to make sure you never get her, and they won’t even really know why they’re doing it. There will be strange allusions to Communism, which seem anachronistic and misguided considering we’re talking about a desirable lady of the world here. Your enemies will argue that she’s too expensive, but we all know that if you want a hot girl, you have to pay for it.

2. You always call the shots

Calling the shots does not mean having debates on TV. Calling the shots means sacking up and utilizing (not abusing) the power of your office. It means delegating and working in tracks to address ancillary issues like tort reform and the tax structure that gives companies an incentive to provide health care and insurance companies an incentive to gouge them. It means declaring that bills should be no more than 10 pages long and averring that complex problems could have really simple solutions. You always call the shots; that’s what you’re supposed to be doing.

3. Act like wherever you are, that’s the place to be

This is easy, because when you’re President of the United States, everywhere you are is the place the be.

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4. When ordering food, you find out what she wants and then order for the both of you. It’s a classy move.

This is a classy move, but it unfortunately leads to endless debates about what to eat and how much to pay for it. Do I really want the linguine with clam sauce? Just order something.

5. …put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV

Once you’ve instituted points 1 through 4, you should be able to light up a cigarette and kick back to some classic rock by the White House pool. Relax, you’re covered. We all are.

Now kiss me. You won’t regret it.

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4 thoughts on “Mike Damone’s Five-Point Plan to Fix Health Care

  1. I can’t frigging believe you wrote this…I was just going to do a post on the five-point plan and Damone (aka “Snake” on The Facts of Life) in general.

    (This is your brother’s girlfriend, BTW.)

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