Some Modest Fashion Proposals

RIP, Mr. Blackwell. Wait, is that a mock turtleneck?

I was once told by a woman that men always dress the same way we did when we were ten years old, and that wasn’t a compliment.

It’s also not exactly true in my case. When I was 10, I exclusively wore generic $2 football jerseys from Kmart, usually made of meshed nylon, whereby my dainty prepubescent nipples were exposed to a disinterested world. Sometimes we could apparently only afford half a shirt, and my midriff very publicly kissed the sunlight, innocently perched atop my high-rise coach’s shorts. I don’t dress like that anymore…much.

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While I would never suggest flying to Milan for research or donning tragically hip, skinny fare to get or retain women—trust me, you’ll never pull it off—here are a few simple tricks I’ve picked up over the years that have kept me (barely) on the right side of the fashion fence:

  • No pleats, please. I secretly hid a pair of pleated Polo khakis in the back of my closet in case they come back. Still waiting.
  • Don’t wear caps. Women hate baseball caps. Period.
  • No boxers, no briefs. Here you have to compromise, so boxer briefs are the obvious choice. No trunks, and you know why.
  • Football jerseys are for football players. If you’re not on the field or in a reputable football-themed dance crew, jersey-wearers represent the pinnacle of fashion idiocy. Yes, even at the big game.
  • Golf shirts are for golfers, when they’re golfing. See above.
  • Jewelry: Nope. A nice watch is required, but leave the Celtic ring and braided gold chain in the top drawer. My teenage earring hole haunts me to this day.

In summary, if you wore it in college, don’t wear it now. Women want we menfolk to mature and grow. I know that’s a tall order, but we can mask our lack of emotional progression simply by wearing some overpriced jeans and a sport coat. No shit, it works.

I think the Internet just made me a fashion expert. Thanks, Al Gore.

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