It’s Cold Outside…Come On In, Baby

Written by Mary K. Moore

It’s the holiday season and you’ve decided to go home from the office Christmas party with Doug the IT guy. And nothing celebrates the Yule-tide more than drunken advances from people you’d never consider while sober. Here, the potential accidental horny-holiday-baby-daddy’s take on a festive favorite.

Ring a ding ding...this stuff will make me seem more handsome and irresistible, baby.

(Sung to the tune of “Baby It’s Cold Outside”)

I really can’t stay
(But baby it’s cold outside)
I’ve got to go away
(Ignore my hand on your thigh)
This evening has been
(How I hope you’ll give in)
So very nice
(I’ll hold your hands. Oh, am I holding way too tight?)
My mother will start worry
(Shit, then I’d better hurry)
My father will be pacing the floor
(Good thing I’ve barred the door)
So really I’d better scurry
(I can tell that you’re worried)
But maybe just a half a drink more
(This is cheaper than buying a whore)
The neighbors might faint
(Baby, please don’t go anywhere)
Say what’s in this drink
(It’s undetectable except in a sample of hair)
I wish I knew how
(Your eyes are drooping now)
To break this spell
(No need to answer your cell)
I ought to say “no, no, no sir”
(Mind if my groin gets closer?)
At least I’m gonna say that i tried
(And I’ll just tell your friends that you lied)
I really can’t stay…

Baby it’s cold outside

I simply must go
(But baby it’s cold outside)
The answer is no
(That’s what Donna in accounting implied)
Your welcome has been
(So don’t you like men?)
So nice and warm
(Would it help if I turned on some porn?)
My sister will be suspicious
(I don’t care who that bitch is)
My brother will be there at the door
(You still live with your family? Are you poor?)
My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious
(Are you saying your family is litigious?)
But maybe just a cigarette more
(Now that’s what I’m going for)
I’ve gotta get home
(But baby your keys aren’t there)
Say lend me a coat
(Then we’ll appear a romantic pair)
You’ve really been grand
(I thrill when you touch my glans)
But don’t you see?
(Let’s set this trouser trout free)
There’s bound to be talk tomorrow
(Do you have a condom I can borrow?)
At least there will be plenty implied
(Can’t you let this one slide?)
I really can’t stay…

Because your boss is my husband and he’s outside.

Happy holidays, Smatter-style!

2 thoughts on “It’s Cold Outside…Come On In, Baby

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