Written by Mary K. Moore
With Valentine’s Day rapidly approaching, our resident 6-year-old contributor, Scarlett, offers advice on love, relationships and dating people with the same hair and eye color as you. (With help from her mother and fellow Smatter contributor, Mary K. Moore.)
What’s the best way to make someone fall in love with you?
Scarlett: Kiss them and turn your head. And never stop kissing them. Until you’re like, 10.
How do you keep love alive after a lot of time?
Scarlett: Make sure when you get married you have a baby. Like me.
Is there anyone at school you love?
Scarlett: Yep. Zach! I love him because he’s fun. He’s in my class. We had a playdate.
So is it serious?
Scarlett: No, we have fun.
Is he the one do you think?
Scarlett: I don’t know. It’s a little too early. You’re not allowed to marry people in your class. It’s against the law.
What’s the best way to find a husband?
Scarlett: Find a man and buy him a suit. That would be nice. Then go on a date. Then you take him to the ring store. Not on the first date–the day after the first date.
How do you find a wife?
Scarlett: You go to a grown-up shelter. Like they have for dogs. And make sure she’s had all her shots. I’m just kidding. Go to New York. They have lots of pretty ladies there.
What are you hoping for on Valentine’s Day?
Scarlett: Pretty cards!
Our esteemed editor at The Smatter is re-entering the dating scene. What do you think he should look for in a woman?
Scarlett: She should have his same eye and hair color, act normal and never say she has a penis.
You’re saying he should keep his standards high?
Scarlett: She can have a vagina. Vagina. It sounds like a Chinese word.
So how do you think he could win a woman’s heart?
Scarlett: When he finds a girl, he should give her a bouquet. The first time he meets her.
But what if she thinks that’s weird? That reminds me of that old commercial for Impulse body spray.
Scarlett: Then I don’t know what to tell him. Wait. Tell him to buy her a dog instead but make sure she’s not allergic to hair. Or a dog and a flower. That would be good.
Actually, I don’t know if she’ll like that.
Scarlett: Just try it. How do you know it won’t work? Why do you ask me questions while I’m in the bathtub? I don’t work in here. And that’s not part of the article.
The final question: What do women want?
Scarlett: To take a bath in peace!