As I boarded my train this morning, The Wall Street Journal greeted me with the unwelcome news that potatoes fried in various all-fat greases are practically guaranteed to make me fatter. As a human, I have an almost sensual attraction to tubers brimming with oil. I was troubled by this shocking revelation.
Regular Smatter readers know I’m a well-connected guy, but likely few are aware that I’m extremely tight with Mr. Potato Head himself. I used to own him, in fact. I was able to score this exclusive text-based interview to set the record straight.
Matt Rhodes (MR): Whaddup MPH. [Editor’s note: That’s what I call Mr. Potato Head, because we’re tight.]
Mr. Potato Head (MPH): Hey Matty Luv. Why u texting me on the yacht, baby?
MR: The WSJ sez you and your kind are making humans obese tubs of lard. Comment? On the record, of course.
MPH: That’s crazy and you know it. Greece is imploding, and the intricate web of derivatives beneath the surface will make the last economic crisis look like a delicious date with Strawberry Shortcake. You know I hit that back in the day.
MR: I do. You remind me during every single conversation we have. Call her.
MPH: She’s all crazy on that stupid sock monkey still. He’s a barbarian. Anyway, I’m parked in the Mediterranean right now, and I can actual smell Greece crushing the global economy. Smells like French fries, which is very disturbing to my people.
MR: Your point?
MPH: The WSJ writers have bigger root vegetables to fry. They should leave us alone. Groupon’s business model is laughably unsustainable, their customers all hate them, and their primary spokesperson is a cat who’s funnier and smarter than their CEO. They should pen multiple vituperative attacks about how Groupon is doomed to fail, not smear pieces on innocent potatoes.
MR: I think they have been, along with every other half-witted blogger on earth.
MPH: Whatevs. I’ll just come clean. I leaked the story.
MR: Omg!!!! Why???
MPH: I’m a potato. I don’t want people to eat me, or my many girlfriends or my illegitimate children. It’s pretty logical. Plus–full disclosure here–I have a large stake in Groupon, so I’m trying to quell the evil smear campaign orchestrated by liberal media.
MR: Conservative media, too. But you say “potato”…
MPH: We both say “potato”. Everyone says “potato”. Who the hell says “po-tauto”? Stupidest song ever.