Lana Del Rey Interviews Rick Santorum

Lana Del Rey: Hello strange man.

Rick Santorum: Hello Lana. You don’t look Mexican or untalented. Not that I’m racist, or sexist, or stupid.

LDR: Heaven is a place on earth with you. Tell me all the things you wanna do.

RS: Well, I certainly don’t want to go to a gay wedding! Haha! Or any kind of wedding, because we can’t have 50 definitions of marriage. Stupid rogue states. That’s what I say instead of just saying I hate gay people, because if I said that I might not win any states. And I won Colorado, baby! That’s a state, right? Where’s my PR guy?

LDR: I heard that you like the bad girls, honey. Is that true?

Open up a beer?? It's only 2 pm! And I don't play video games. Too sexy!

RS: Nope, that’s Newt Gingrich. And Herman Cain. Where’d that guy go?

LDR: I keep him in my walk-in wild sexy storm cellar in Lake Placid, where I’m from. Not Mexico.

RS: Yeah, you don’t look Mexican.

LDR: Why Rick?

RS: Because I’ll keep other Mexicans like you out of this country—well, not really pretty ones like you. I mean, my dad’s an immigrant, and once he came here, that’s enough! You know? And I want to drill for crazy oil in this country, not because we need to break our dependence on foreign people in other countries, but because I want some of that crazy money that oil companies give to politicians! I want a plane that I can put a bunch of American oil in! I want to end sentences with prepositions, and I want all women to have all the babies they make! Where’s my PR guy??

You are Rick Santorum, and you're going to be President, right? Right??

LDR: I say you the bestest. Lean in for a big kiss.

RS: Hey now! Wait, really? You’re so damn pretty for a Mexican. Well, like I said, I’m not stupid, and I part my hair on the powerful side. You know, like all Presidents. I read that in GQ. Well, my daughter read it to me. I can’t read. We should hang out. Just Google me. Wait, don’t do that. Minnesota’s a state? Where’s my PR guy??

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