The Great Romney/Kerry Stilt-Off

Hear ye, hear ye! Come one, come all! Gather around for today’s main event, the much anticipated Stilt-Off between Mitt “I Betcha” Romney and John “Gasping Windbag” Kerry.

May the most stilted, out-of-touch caricature of himself win!

Mitt: John, is it? I believe we’ve both been called here because of our affable ways.

John: There’s no doubt about that. We’re both well loved, and completely self-aware.

Mitt: I couldn’t agree more. I don’t know who you are, but I concur.

“If I leave the ‘burns grey, I’m more credible, right?”

John: I’m a slightly older, less wealthy, Democratic version of you.

Mitt: You’re a Dem?? Egad, Godfrey! Get over here, man! Disinfect my white gloves at once. I shook this dirty patriot’s hand! Sickening!

Godfrey: Indeed, sir. Indeed.

Mitt: Don’t mock me, Godfrey.

John: You remember me, Mitt. Let me provide a relevant hyperlink, mid-conversation. We’re being compared all over the media. Folks got all excited about my income disclosures back in aught-four, just as they’re doing now with you.

Mitt: Is your face really made that way? So weathered. So damn impossibly weathered. It’s a chiseled visage, really.

There’s a family of four sea otters a-swimmin’ in that right dimple.

John: Concentrate, Mitt. You have to face down the Obamatron himself. Now that guy is stilted.

Mitt: I’m with you there, you oddly coiffed geezer. Say, how did you get so darn rich anyway?

John: Oh, I did it the hard way—I married into money!

[raucous laughter and old-boy high-fiving]

Mitt: I hear ya, buddy. I betcha twenty-five g’s and a gallon of beluga that I had it even harder than that: I had to earn my millions by buying companies at low prices and selling them at high prices. It involves a lot of math and golf, and I’m terrible at golf.

John: Come now, Mitt. Do you really think the average American, who works in a factory or coal mine or Victoria’s Secret, is going to think private equity guys work hard?

Mitt: Do you know hard it is to create hundreds of jobs? [aide whispers in ear] Thousands of jobs? [whispers] Billions of American jobs???

John: Not nearly as hard as listening to Theresa babble on about 57 varieties.

Mitt: You might be right there, my loose-necked friend. Virgin lime rickeys on me.

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