Unsafe at Any Address

I’ve never been much of a Nader type, but I’m about to go all consumer watchdog.

What better target than Earth’s worst company, Comcast?

What you’re about to witness is an actual interaction between me and a customer service chat jockey at Comcast. This conversation lasted for more than 30 minutes and answered exactly zero of my questions. While edited and paraphrased for clarity and brevity, all comments are actual.

In [brackets], I’ve added snarky commentary. A quick Google search of “Comcast fail” will reveal that this post is highly unoriginal.

I’m switching to Dish Network. God bless America.

Finally, a meter maid wins a popularity contest.

Michelle: Welcome to Comcast! I see you are moving. That can be a very exciting and busy time. Please give me a couple of minutes to review the information you have submitted. We appreciate the opportunity to provide service in your home.

Michelle: I hope your day is going well so far, Matthew.

MATTHEW: I’d like to see how much TV and internet are at my new address. Your website says service isn’t available for that address and pushes me to a site to look for my new cable provider. That site then says it’s you.

Michelle: As I pull up your address, I just want to share with you our Customer Gurantee. We are committed to providing our customers with a consistently superior customer experience. If for any reason something goes wrong, we will work to resolve the issue quickly and as professionally as we can.

[Five minutes go by. I discover that Kate Upton was asked to leave the Santa Monica boardwalk for an inadvertent loss of swimsuit top. Tragic, in several ways.]

Michelle: Thank you for waiting.

Michelle: I am glad to let you know that your new address is serviceable by Comcast.

Michelle: Since you are ordering our Bundled Package, why not try our Triple Play Package. Comcast offers fantastic Triple Play deals when you bundle Video, High Speed and Digital Voice services!

Michelle: With these bundled packages. You can save over $40.00 per month on all three. That would be over $500+ in a year since the offer is good for 12 months, it provides a much greater savings as compared to that of 6 month promotion or availing the service on its regular rate. Shall we go ahead and get you the soonest install date for the Triple Play deal?

[In case you can’t do simple multiplication, I’ve done some for you. However, I have not answered your question or told you how much service would actually cost. This is how I annoy you.]

MATTHEW: Thanks. I don’t need a phone. Just give me the monthly price please for cable + internet. And let me know what fee would be to just disconnect service altogether.

Michelle: Thank you. Sure. I will be able to see that once I am done with the disconnection part.

Michelle: Sure, I will provide you all the information after processing the disconnection of your current service.

[I just told you the same thing twice, because I am a robot that cries digital tears in knowing I work for Earth’s most horrible company. Don’t hate my dirty, poorly programmed circuitry.]

Michelle: Thank you. Let me process that for you first.

Michelle: By the way, since you will be moving to the same market, you can bring the equipment with you.

Michelle: Just to set proper expectation, transferring services would take minutes however, I will make this quick for you.

Michelle: I am still processing the disconnection part for you, Matthew.

Michelle: Please bear with me.

Michelle: I am still working on this for you.

Michelle: Thank you for waiting.

Michelle: I am done with the disconnection part.

Michelle: Let me now check on the offers for bundles for you.

Michelle: By the way, there will be a one-time installation fee of $34.99 for your current service.

Michelle: We will be adding internet service to your new account, same one-time installation fee for both services or if not for three services.

Michelle: I do see here that you currently have a contract for your cable service.

[Someday, I will answer your questions. Today is not that day. In the meantime, I will continue to properly warn you that I intend to work very slowly in not answering your questions, and I will now also begin to warn you about our many nonsensical fees. Better to make you angry now rather than later!]

MATTHEW: I’m a current customer, shouldn’t you waive that fee?

Michelle: I understand however we will need to send a technician for you to install your services to the new address. That is already a discounted installation given, Matthew.

Michelle: I am still checking on the promotion we can provide you.

Michelle: Matthew, are you still with me?

[I enter a soundproof chamber and scream for several minutes.]

MATTHEW: yes

Michelle: Thank you.

MATTHEW: How much longer is my contract and what does it cost to get out of it?

Michelle: Matthew, I reviewed the market policy further. I checked your current service and you do have 2-year contract. If we will be transferring this to your new address and add a new service with another contract, I am afraid this will cut off the agreement you have on the current account which will let you pay for Early Termination Fee. This is what I don’t like to happen for your account.

MATTHEW: Please just answer my questions. How much?

Michelle: Your contract will end on May 5, 2013.

MATTHEW: Are you kidding me? How much is the termination fee?

Michelle: As per Early Termination Fee if you will cancel your account, we are unable to provide you with the correct amount as we are unable to process cancellation here over chat. You will need to call 1-888-266-2278. They are open 8am – 7:pm EST.

Michelle: They can provide you with the exact amount for that.

With that, I hung up, and picked up a phone. The guy on the other end told me that Comcast somehow already miraculously processed a cancellation of my account, without my request or permission. He said I don’t have a contract. Tonight there will be no Simpsons reruns, no joy, no flickering bliss.

Oh right, I’ll just stream gobs of content over Apple TV.

Goodbye, Comcast. Goodbye. 4-evah.

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