It’s a Higgs Boson Party, Y’All

Hi everyone. My name is Gerald, aka The Higgs Boson (stop living off my glory, Higgsy!). The universe’s oldest game of hide and seek is over. It only took you 14.6 billion years, bee-atches! I guess I’ve only been hiding from humans for 7 million years. You youngsters! My goatee is 48 nanometers long now, which is crazy long for an old invisible particle such as myself. My english sucks, I’m a subatomic particle!

But any unseen theoretical being can have a blog. What a crappy world!

I totally thought Jesus would find me a couple thousand years ago. That dude was wicked powerful, yo. I think he saw me out of the corner of his eye one day, but he was like “Nah, no time for bosons. I’m gonna swim in some of my converted wine. I’m Jesus.”

What, you can’t see me? I’m Gerald. I run your universe.

When I saw the dum-dums in Switzerland building a $10 billion collider (what idiot paid for that?), I thought oh no, they’re getting warmer! But then those fools kept smashing the wrong particles and I was like, these punks ain’t gonna find me. Only Charlie Sheen has that kind of ability to see things that don’t really exist, yo.

You don’t like my weird talking? I listen to the rap. I know the Snoop Dog. Hell, it’s my mass-giving awesomeness that enables his flow. This is how I talk, yo. I like Jesse on Breaking Bad cuz he raps like I do. I like the meth, cuz it keeps me moving a step ahead of all you lumbering humans. Kidding! This boson is clean, baby, super clean.

Anyway, I’m glad the press is finally writing about us subatomic particles. We’ve been doing the dirty work of the universe for mad millennia.

Now calm down about the Bizzison and start looking for my boy, the Nozon. That fool totally rocked the big bang. Your standard model is a joke! Strings? We got mops of unknown particles keepin’ the cheese on your burgers melted. For real? Am I just playin’ with yo’ head?

Boson out!

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