Applaud My Healthy Lunch

Have you ever had a discussion with a cheeseburger? I just did. It was not a friendly discussion.

It started out quite acrimoniously, with said cheeseburger blurting out “Eat me!” as I attempted to bypass him in favor of less tasty, less caloric fare.

Eating the right way is hard. I don’t believe in diets, and I don’t believe in eating sensibly and then calling it something, like the Caveman Diet, using capital letters to imply you thought of something groundbreaking.

Leave me alone, you vile delicious seasonal treat.
Leave me alone, you vile delicious seasonal treat.

If we eat fewer calories, eat more whole foods, chew on fatty animal parts less frequently (we waste a lot of resources feeding the creatures we devour, anyway), and occasionally stop streaming Netflix and walk around a bit, we’ll lose weight.

If you really enjoy wasting money and demolishing your self-esteem, you can pick up a FitBit or Jawbone Up or Nike thingamajig to track your every step and grunt and snore. That way, you are guilted into tracking just how poorly you’re performing against your fitness goals. But, hey, we all know that you won’t do anything different after a week or two. These fancy cloud-based big-data devices and their burning platforms still require work and thought and behavioral change. Humans suck at that.

I worked out at six in the morning, and I’m eating cottage cheese and peanut butter and jelly on whole wheat, with decaf green tea.

I am better than you, and I hate myself. That’s good enough for me.

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