Eric Holder Responds to Kamala Harris’s Hotness

As I fight back tears to type this official response on my fancy, watermarked Attorney General stationery (to be digitized by my overpaid secretary, whom I will continue to protect from the vile tentacles of the fantasy sequester), I can only hope Mr. Obama was not including THE Attorney General in the bucket of consideration when he said Kamala Harris was the sexiest AG in the land.

Look at me. Just look at me!

My brash 'stache and beady eyes work every time, Kamala. Every time.
My brash ‘stache and beady eyes work every time, Kamala. Every time.

My college buddies used to call me Magnum, for obvious reasons. You think I’m talking about my mustache? Hell no! I’m talking about short shorts, like me pulling them off long before Don Draper. That was a double entendre, people. I’m talking about sex here, and lots of it. Mostly due to my mustache.

When I heard that controversy was brewing about Mr. Obama’s passing compliment about Kamala, I readied my PR team. I knew my mustachioed legal bravado would come under fire.

“I thought you were the sexiest, Mr. Holder,” they’d all say.

And I’d say, “Damn right.”

I’m a modern-day Billy Dee Williams….but hold the malt liquor, thank you very much. I’m more of an apple-tini kinda guy. In any case, Kamala is Medusa next to me.

As Attorney General, I have bigger fish to fry than following who our President thinks is hot or not. I have to do my taxes. I have to figure out if North Korea is serious or not. I need to think about this whole gay marriage thing. I just don’t have time to monitor the Tweet-o-Sphere or throw darts at a picture of Kamala, that beastly ugly head. I hate her so much.

I can only assume that Mr. Obama will sober up and realize that I’m the best-darn-looking AG in the land, or at least maybe his press secretary’s assistant will tweet a clarification that I’m exempt from his pronouncement since I’m better than state Attorneys General.

Regardless, I must now attend to my mustache combing. Kamala. That’s a wrestler’s name! More like Come-on-a! Zing!

Holder out.

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