I reacted with profound giddiness when I received the following email, printed out and handed to me by two goons on my front porch. They’re still outside!
I can assure you the Government (capital G, y’all!) only reads the most amusing and enlightening bits of Citizen Entertainment. My headwaiter’s assistant is emailing you this form letter in person to communicate your acceptance into the Stuff We Read pile of data tidily kept for posterity on our IBM mainframe. We call it Helios, named after the Greek god who saw everything that happens during the day, because we know Americans are grossly undereducated and would never get that clever reference. That’s our fault, too—our bad!
We encourage you to pen more acts of sedition, open-mindedness, and outright disdain for me, Barack Obama. We would never send you to Guantanamo for these acts, because that place is only for dirty foreigners who threaten your safety, Citizen. Wait, we closed that place. Oh. No we didn’t.
I will candidly step outside the form of this letter to disclose that it was your middling that tipped us off to your danger to national security. I mean, we like your blog and read it because you seem to be neither Republican nor Democrat. What in blazes are you then, Dear Citizen? ‘Ol Helios nearly burst with ERROR 501: CAN’T COMPUTE messages when its crawling tentacles (NOT provided by Google, by which I mean provided by Google) slimily fingered The Smatter.
We know from reading other Citizens’ records that no one is really Independent, whatever that means. Libertarians are just Democrats that want to preserve the right to shoot people who want them to pay higher taxes.
Since you live in America, land of the free, yadda yadda yadda, this is not a formal interrogation. However, should you wish to fill out the attached OPTIONAL survey in exchange for not permanently vacationing in a secret Citizen prison in New Mexico, please do. By they way, we call this scary and nonexistent place Albequerque. Zing!
Yours truly in destroying certain borders while fortifying others,
Your President (two degrees removed and therefore completely absolved of any knowledge of anything)
P.S. Remember this Ice-T track? Prescient!