Being Ted Cruz

I’m not perfect. But I’m way better than Ted Cruz.

I know what you’re thinking about me. Seriously, I do. I’m just another smug blogger who knows everything but only takes potshots at enfeebled public figures. You assume I’m pretty into myself. You’re sort of right.

I know what you’re thinking about me, and I then tailor my behavior to gain your approval (if I give a crap about your approval) or not (if I don’t give a crap).

I have a helpful filter, this little thing called self-awareness.

Ted Cruz does not.

"OK, now make your face perfectly representative of a smug political blowhard. Wow. You're good."
“OK, now make your face perfectly representative of a smug political blowhard. Wow. You’re good.”

I’m a human being, so I spend about 87 percent of my day judging other human beings: those on TV, those in positions of power, and those just shuffling around me aimlessly.

In my casual and admittedly unsophisticated assessments, I bucket you humans into two categories: Those Who Get It (TWGI, pronounced “twiggy”) and Those Who Don’t (TWD, pronounced “twad”). Ted is a TWD.

My next level of assessment involves trying to figure out just how this person got where they are today. For instance, it seems odd to me that Marissa Mayer is the CEO of Yahoo!. She’s too inexperienced to be the CEO of anything, says my conditioned and imperfect brain.

But, Marissa Mayer is also smart, attractive, and technically proficient, good traits for a tech titan. She has a vision, right or wrong, and most people simply don’t. She’s a step ahead. I therefore conclude: “I don’t believe that Marissa Mayer should be CEO of Yahoo!, but I understand and appreciate why she got the job.”

In fact, as a former Yahoo! employee looking in, I’m happy to observe that she’s shifting the perception and building teams that build better products. I didn’t think that would ever happen at Yahoo!.

When I’m wrong, I have no trouble admitting it, another beneficial byproduct of self-awareness.

I also realize that publicly touting my wonderful self-awareness is pretty pompous. Therefore, I will shortly end this post. See how it works, Ted?

Now let’s shift to the uglier, less talented Marissa Mayer, said Ted Cruz. I don’t understand how this guy got out of bed in the morning, much less how he managed to fumble his way into two Ivy League degrees. He is a tone-deaf moron with absolutely no self-awareness, a festering boil on the American arse. That’s to put it nicely.

The Ted Cruz filibuster (which it technically wasn’t) perfectly exemplifies all that’s wrong with American politics. When complex issues require diligent and thoughtful tradeoffs and negotiation, the standard tactic is to throw a 21-hour temper tantrum.

It should have been entertaining. It should have been symbolic. It should have been funny. But because Ted Cruz somehow had the mic, it was none of this.

I apply my test, and I have no idea how Ted Cruz became a senator. Who could possibly hear this man speak and then think “That’s my boy!”?

I don’t know how he wasn’t punched in the face by a random pedestrian today. I don’t know how he got someone to commit to living with him in holy matrimony. I don’t know why he exists.

On top of all that, his voice sounds funny. OK, now I’m just being mean.

There it is again. Self-awareness. Try it, Ted.

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