Dear Oprah Winfrey and Deepak Chopra,
I am a recent participant in your 21-day meditating challenge. I was a passive participant, meaning I never once meditated. But, I did manage to angrily scan your pedantic, overwrought e-mails each and every day. I’m not a quitter, after all.
I know your legal team took great pains to trademark the name of this groundbreaking event, but I’m not calm or patient enough to figure out how to “TM” appropriately. Please don’t sue me. Is that today’s mantra?
I find it odd that we have somehow managed to Americanize meditation and make it competitive, but that’s the ingenuity that made you two of the richest people who’ve never done anything! Meditation must work!
Thank you sincerely for violently entering my inbox for the past several weeks with your messages of peace and self-worth. I have greatly enjoyed being reminded each day that I’m too busy to meditate, that my desire to improve my health and mental fortitude is outstripped only by my inability to act on it.
I also wish to thank you for your persevering follow-up emails with kind offers to sell me things. Who knew that meditation could be so profitable for two known charlatans?! Well played, lady Buddha.
Now I’m going to go sit quietly and focus on tomorrow’s mantra, “Oprah’s greed and lack of self-awareness know no bounds.”