Things I’ve Been Doing the Past Two Months

Now that you ask, I’ve been incredibly busy.

I stopped playing Scramble With Friends, which has freed up several hours a day for productive activity. You might think I would get around to penning witty blog posts with all that time! But, no, life gets in the way, as they say. I think someone says that, sometimes.

It feels so good to be more successful than Matt Rhodes! I wonder what that guy's been doing the past two months...
It feels so good to be more successful than Matt Rhodes! I wonder what that guy’s been doing the past two months…

I’m really into community these days, now that I’m king of the ‘burbs. I often go for long walks on warm leafy evenings and think to myself how lucky I am to live in such a tidy, friendly community. Then I go home and lock the door and wonder who my neighbors are while I crank up the Netflix. I watch documentaries, because I’m not into wasting time. I like to grow my brains.

I think a lot about what it must be like to be Matthew McConaughey. Like other busy important people, I have limited time to squeeze in “TV” (do they still call it that?), so I only watch the most critically acclaimed offerings, like True Detective. I’m pretty cool, but man, that guy is ten different kinds of cool.

I’ve been going to yoga on Sunday nights. I’m trying to slim down like Rust Cohle (flashback Rust Cohle, not smoking-like-a-chimney current Rust Cohle!). Don’t tell any of my guy friends.

I don’t have any guy friends anymore. They all have kids, and they only hang out with their kids.

I’ve been thinking about thinking about maybe trying to think about having some kids. When the heck does Game of Thrones start up again??

My hair isn’t growing back. I know you thought it might, but you were wrong.

I went to college with Seth Meyers, and he’s way better than me in a lot of ways. He’s all over the place with his new job and everything. That’s made me feel kind of bad about myself.

I’m obsessed with DuoLingo. My wife thinks I’m wasting time and annoying her with the constant creepy French robotic droning, but I’m learning a whole new language! C’est magnifique! See??

I’ve been watching all your videos on TheFacebook. I still call it that, because that’s what it was called when I first started using it. The kids over there just bought one of the 40 apps that I never use. I used to work at Yahoo! when those WhatsApp guys were there. Everyone I used to work with at Yahoo! has more money than I do.

I’ve been pretty sad lately.

I wish there was some way for me to randomly blast out little snippets of my life to mostly acquaintances so I could feel just a little bit better about wasting the past two months of my life while everyone else got richer and better looking and more successful.

That’s a lot to think about! Whew, I told you I’ve been busy! Lol, you totes got all the details of the last two crazy months when you were so worried about me because I hadn’t written a blog post for you to glance at in your feed and not read (rhymin’ and stealin’!). That’s how you know I’m alive. It’s replaced us talking.

But, hey, you asked!

Oh. Right. You didn’t.

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One thought on “Things I’ve Been Doing the Past Two Months

  1. 1 — BYE AMERICAN
    Or maybe your mindless occupational highness has already resigned to lay off your self-retired behind inside the legal defined lines designed to keep you dependent on relentless chemical-infested ingestion by succumbing to the obligatory referendum downlow deadening process pooled together through the unintelligible agency of blood money-hunching henchmen just for YOU to comfortably blossom into a conformulated robotic chopstick who subsists off deep-fried conspiratorial lies long enough to graciously make it to the looming apocalyptical shebang which broods woozily in the gaseous flatuating sunset like a Buddha-headed bald eagle that prey-waits for the perfect stabbing juncture to accu-puncture a cattail-distracted muskrat with a mickey mouse dismantlement employing an eyeball-ripping snatch-grab to the whiskery disengaged face-flesh. Pie-eyed undertaking a piece of cake-break, life-styles your weary protective senses from pre-planning to methodically pull out the stop signals before squirmy murderous sprouts may bloom into fuming mushed rubes who try to thrust you to the loose end’s stiffening edge in the drip of a snout. Overpay attention’s priceless fee, Mr. Bigwrittles, for there always remains the imminent geological probability wherein a rogue asteroid belch could blow euro-wadded manmade existence back to the grindstone age of consenting to globally warming up suitable rustled sustenance from rummaged jungle roughage by any good old-fashioned evil means necessarily needed. Unless you kickstart preparing for airborne venereal hysteria now, all the halfcocked starving Marthas will ferociously rejoice with the unwashed foraging Georges when got-fathering the country-cooked scent of your smorgasbord corporate-rationed corpse as the founding finders greedily feast upon your Jack-in-the-Box quad-hocks, Long John Silver tongue taffy, and Burger King wiener schnitzel-grits. You systematically digest enough charred monster lard to annually anal-glandfill the entire hollow volume of Manhattan’s burrowing black asshole with only your personal Bronx goo, infinity times tenfolds over. Sweetheart-marring cosmic nuggets kept your mechanically separated meatloaf from hotly mustering up the crusty spunk to dunk nothing but post-flash frozen dream-beef into carcinogenic barbecued cream-grease in dipping addition to a flaccid hacky sack on a raggedy hoop T-basket of questionable regulation-height back in the faded away days homely made from Midwestern free throw Summers slammed with rampant pants-camel clutching plus the grappled partaking in harmful backyard merrymaking portrayed by the roiled playing of innocent hate crimes like Smear the Queer, Peg the Pooter, and Tetherball along with religiously participating as church-ordained sucker-chuckers in rosy local nosegay pride parades for gladiatorial daredevil war-shippers. Calisthenics-surrendering French fries deliciously imprisoned your copped killer crossover-looks by trap zone-covering your sissy nervous center in bittersweet stroke sauce plus arterial lane-clogging death-jam wreck-ordeals. Megalomanic depressing Happy Meals curtailed your Rambis ambitions as you unwittingly assisted the Birdie brain-smoked ham-gurglers in getting mad cows so sleepily sheepish that the sad cloned bovines lay lame-caged in their accumulating fecal debris-spray thus branding permanent swine stains into the queasy beaten meat you have been gleefully feeding your crazy grave gravy-cravings for too many weird disease-breeding years. Do not be fastidious food for future doomsday mutants! Overstay in schoolboy bandleader shape a la survival fitness mode so you maintain the virile ability to abortively thwart the raging impregnated space-vultures of embattled bulging oblivion when these snaky raping baby rattlers decidedly descend upon the oligarchical pep-smeared mortal waltz droning on this unsanitary planetary dunce-floor in a hard coordinated effort to curb-stomp the circumstantial pompous choppers out of every manly child’s splayed numb skull. The soul tingling jingle belonging to trillions of intermingling skinned teeth cleanly sleeting onto the tinkling street-singing concrete would sound like a gorgeous girth shimmering rhapsody within bluely disturbed Komodo Dragons, duly perturbed Hairy-Nosed Wombats, and every other Earthen organism that has been fundamentally desecrated to the severing precipice of egregious species extinction by a flabbergasting carnivorous shiver containing grating white man-eaters swimming with a psychopathic fetal attraction to the drooling power of fool’s money bathed in mangled standard approval from powerful monkey doers who shower themselves with sophisticated aristocratic distractions akin to dressage equestrian competitor molesting, Olympic cocaine tryouts, plus latex bootleg sex with six year old dominatrix contest winners inside the con-sensual congressional saunas of Cox’s Bazaar, Bangladesh. You should know where your American tax dollars go.

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