Fitbit Raises Serious Questions About My Whereabouts Last Night

“Did you ever know that you’re my hero?”–Sheena Easton, directly to me

It’s a habit. I wake up in the morning and tap my Fitbit, peering at the app on my phone to quickly ascertain if I slept reasonably well or mostly tossed and turned.

Here’s what it told me last night:

This is what digitized heroic activity looks like.
This is what digitized heroic activity looks like.

I would’ve told you I slept like a baby and was awake not at all. In addition, the daily Fitbit dashboard claims that I took a whopping 440 steps in the middle of the night, sometime between 12:01 am and 5:32 am. This startling digital revelation can mean only one thing: I was sleepwalking last night and very likely performing truly heroic deeds.

While what follows is pure conjecture, any one of these scenarios could possibly be slightly true, maybe.

Scenario One: A small but merry band of Australian supermodels wandered into our house. This happens more than you might think in Redwood City, California. While I did not suspect criminal activity, I leapt into action and attempted to chase them from the property. Giving my proclivity for sleeping in my birthday suit, they were probably overtaken by the most basic urges and thus rendered completely helpless. Despite their ardent pleas for some kisses from Matty Luv, I insisted that I was a happily married man. Impressed with my naked humility and dedication to my wife, they gently scuttled quietly back into that good night. I must’ve walked in circles a few times before coming back to bad, generating sufficient dizziness to render complete memory loss and a completely BS story.

Scenario Two: Awoken by shrieking kittens, I darted outside to assess the situation. Upon deftly scaling the oak in our backyard, I found not just two stranded kittens but also a charming baby boy and a misplaced cure for ebola. I carried my three new friends safely into their respective sleeping quarters, and dashed back up the tree to save the world. I called my friend Bono to ensure the cure ended up in the right hands. I must’ve gotten a heavy whiff of the concoction, because it’s all pretty blurry to me this morning. All I know is I have some scratches on my face and some crappy new free songs on my iPhone.

Scenario Three: Fitbit doesn’t work all that well. In light of Scenarios 1 and 2, this seems highly implausible, but I include it to maintain credibility and demonstrate my open-mindedness.

Bottom line, I’m a hero and I need an iPhone 6.

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