Things I Heard in Ohio, Explained

I recently spent a few days in Ohio with my parents. I hereby summarize a few examples of our comedic conversations, at their expense. Sorry, mom and dad.

 

Speaker: My mom.

Quote: “What’s a selfie?”

Explanation: My mother has Alzheimer’s disease and doesn’t know what much of anything is anymore. However, she seemed genuinely interested in discovering what my brother meant he said “dude, take a selfie.” For more only slightly funny Alzheimer’s humor, see this.

My old man prepares us for a space-age financial transaction.
My old man prepares us for a space-age financial transaction.

Speaker: My dad.

Quote: “I don’t have an ATM card.”

Explanation: When I was visiting my father in Columbus, he asked me to take him to the bank. I asked him what a bank was. We had a laugh. Then we got to the bank and I asked him for his ATM card as we approached the drive-thru ATM. He said he doesn’t have an ATM card. I asked him how he gets money. He said he goes to banks. We drove through a lane and put a check in a pneumatic tube and then a lady popped up on a screen and she could see us and she then put money in the container and pneumatically zapped it back to us. It was one of the coolest experiences of my life. I took a picture.

 

Speaker: My dad.

Quote: “That man who owns the restaurant is obviously a Hindu, but he’s a really nice man.”

Explanation: This one’s a little tricky. My dad isn’t Christian or otherwise religious, so I wouldn’t chalk this up to godly persecution. My pops is also a learned man, so he knows the history of various religions in Asia and the Middle East. However, he was raised in Southwest Ohio and is simply reflexively and inherently racist. I happen to believe the proprietor was in fact from Pakistan and a Muslim, but I didn’t think bringing that up would further the conversation or our collective human journey toward increased tolerance and respect for all.

 

Speaker: My dad.

Quote: “He went to New York and came back a heroin addict. No surprise there.”

Explanation: One of my dad’s old pals moved to New York City and became a heroin addict, as do all people who move from the Midwest to New York City. I think I recently read that 92 percent of all people in New York City are heroin addicts. The other 8 percent are very loud, or are criminals, or both.

 

Speaker: My mom.

Quote: “Girlies want sex.”

Explanation: My mother has Alzheimer’s disease. She doesn’t talk much these days. We were watching Ellen. She yelled this out with absolutely no context or warning. It was the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. I’m very glad she said it.

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