John Kasich, you are not Ohio. Forgive me, but I’m going to generalize. Ohioans are humble. You are not humble. Ohio pride is rooted in the fact that Ohio shouldn’t have all that much to be proud of. We’re in … Continue reading An Ohioan Speaks Out
Today’s the day that I…do we still have ice cream? Continue reading What If I Were Serious?
I might be crazy. In order to waste time, all the time, I do several things, all of which exist only in the fantasyland of my iPhone. My malaise is quite brand loyal, as witnessed by my tangled white-cord bondage. I … Continue reading The Rotation
I sit down to write with little focus, my digital tunes on random shuffle to provide inspiration, Sonic Youth crashing together on “Kool Thing,” its “K” representing the oppressive rampancy of racism and illiteracy and who knows what else in … Continue reading A Taboo Financial Journey, With Soundtrack
The conversation began as it sometimes does, with me offering to help put a bag in the overhead bin. I’m a tall, polite Midwesterner; I do this kind of stuff. The older gentleman targeted by my largesse was on the … Continue reading The Time I Sat Next to Adam Gopnik’s Parents on a Plane
Fitbit never lies, but I do sometimes, to get closer to the truth. Continue reading Fitbit Raises Serious Questions About My Whereabouts Last Night
I morph into everything wrong with Silicon Valley and the world. It’s actually kind of pleasant. Continue reading Now That I Ride a Bike to Work
My parents don’t use the Internet, so it’s OK to make fun of them here. Continue reading Things I Heard in Ohio, Explained
I had a few thoughts while I was running a marathon the other day. I probably shouldn’t put them on the Internet. Continue reading Does Anyone Have a Banana?
A short explanation of the lack of explainability of things. Continue reading Untitled, New York
I fill you in about what I’ve been up to because you’ve been so worried about me not blogging so much. Continue reading Things I’ve Been Doing the Past Two Months
Tips to thinly veil your lack of empathy and terrible listening skills. Continue reading Bad With Names? Read This
Thank you, Oprah, for invading my inner peace with faux messages of commercialized inner peace. Continue reading Hello, My Meditating Friends!
On the cusp of the big four-oh, I try to remember what it was like to care. Sigh. Continue reading A Regular Guy Looks at 40
A random memory buttresses a short opinion piece about Obamacare, sort of. Continue reading A Strange Confluence of Concrete and Water
A quick post about Ted Cruz before he’s officially enshrined in the pantheon of Public Figures Who Are Too Easy to Ridicule and Therefore Should Just Be Ignored. Continue reading Being Ted Cruz
Sometimes blog posts should be poems. Not often, but sometimes. Continue reading A Poem? Yes, A Poem
At some point in 1984, a year of great significance to Orwellians and Van Halen fans, I saw the video for Suicidal Tendencies’ “Institutionalized.” It changed my life. Before that video blasted out of the cathode rays of our boxy … Continue reading Brief Description of a Seminal Childhood Event
Andrew Ross Sorkin says something, presumably about Wall Street being evil. Yawn. Continue reading Everyone Is Shocked That Andrew Ross Sorkin Is Shocked That Wall Street Is Greedy
Pandora lumps Johnny Cash into the same bucket as punk pioneers. Delicious accident? Methinks…I don’t know. Continue reading Pandora Follows Misfits and Bad Brains with Johnny Cash Covering Bob Dylan
A supposed review of The National’s new album, thinly veiling my frustration with my lack of a writing career. Continue reading A Reluctant Critic
Why all the fuss? My mama is so proud that the President is my biggest fan! Continue reading Obama Reads My Blog!
“Everything looks bad if you remember it.”–Homer Simpson Continue reading Alzheimer’s Humor
I finally process David Foster Wallace’s suicide, thanks to Tiger Woods and Kobe Bryant. Continue reading The Summer of 1998
Eric Holder clarifies: I’m the hottest. Continue reading Eric Holder Responds to Kamala Harris’s Hotness
I’m eating healthy and working out, with furious anger. Must. Not. Eat. Reese’s. Easter eggs. But they’re on sale now! Continue reading Applaud My Healthy Lunch
More than just a pretty face, but still a pretty face. Continue reading Marissa Mayer Uses Her Own Face to Upgrade Yahoo!
Speaking up for the poor saps in the UMC. Sort of. With nested puns. Continue reading The Dreadful Plight of the Upper-Middle Class (Ironic Headline)
Exhibiting lily-pad-leaping logic to navigate the corporate waters with innovative pivoting. Continue reading Pivoting to Leverage Jargon in the New Year
Pesky ground squirrels collide with classic Japanese cinema to further exemplify my short attention span. Continue reading Lessons from Ikuru
Nothing makes me feel more at home than another inane, self-indulgent, three-minute Jeff Smisek video. Continue reading On 1K Status
If J.D. Salinger finds out I put his picture on Facebook, he’s going to be very angry. Continue reading The Trembling Melody of Our Phoniness
A random array of thoughts about taxes and class warfare tossed together to capitalize on the traffic inspired by a much-ballyhooed Presidential debate. Continue reading Would You Eat the Deficit-Cutting Burrito at Mittpotle?
Navigate our fine earth with a decorative globe! It’s better than using Apple Maps! Zing! Continue reading Complaint Regarding “Decorative” Pottery Barn Globe
Two fathers who let charismatic spawn escape their grasp drunkenly ponder what could have been. Continue reading The Biological Fathers of Steve Jobs and Boo the Dog Commiserate
Don’t have thoughts about bad thoughts about hating yourself because you have bad thoughts while meditating. Continue reading A Practical Guide to Meditating Poorly
I am Gerald. You call me Higgs Boson. Let me help you understand your universe. Continue reading It’s a Higgs Boson Party, Y’All
Just another drop in the bucket of anti-Comcast Internet-based ranting rhetoric. The company is inspirational, truly. Continue reading Unsafe at Any Address
I’m confused about how we know stuff, and how Wikipedia is destroying our minds. Continue reading How Do We Know?
May the most stilted faux-everyman wealthy politician win! Continue reading The Great Romney/Kerry Stilt-Off
Cereal-shilling vampires padding resumes…corporate chicanery knows no bounds. Continue reading Count Chocula: Not a Count?
I prove to a teenage ice cream scooper that I can eat a lot of ice cream, which makes me feel like a big man. Continue reading High Noon at the Ice Cream Parlor
I don’t understand why I can’t play QUINCE while she continues to BABBLE. Continue reading Words With Friends Is Destroying My Relationship
A pretty singer famous for not being talented interviews that poor loser kid that the other kids are setting up for failure, like in “Carrie.” Continue reading Lana Del Rey Interviews Rick Santorum
How my time-saving devices eat up all my time. Continue reading Just Post This to #Whitewhine
Pointing out other people’s shortcomings is a shortcoming. My mom taught me that. Continue reading When I Run for President…
On the ontology of blogging and obnoxious pseudo-philosophical references. Continue reading To Blog, or Not to Blog: The Question No One Cares About
Man I hate these things. Please read The Smatter’s, though. It’s special. Continue reading Obligatory Year-End Greatest Hits Compendium
Cleaning out 2011’s notes and errata, and wishing everyone a more productive and ha-ha-funny 2012. Continue reading End-of-Year Brain-Flush Column
Note to self: Make more to-do lists, and write more blogs about the creative process around said lists. Continue reading The Oppressiveness of To-Do Lists